I wanted to share something that has been on my heart lately. A sweet friend asked me if my other kids ever get upset because of all the attention Jacob gets. I think this is a valid question. This friend is very smart, so I know if she is curious about this many others may be. Not only that, but how do we (special needs mommies) split up our time so that all of our kid's needs are met? Well, its not a simple answer. If I am being totally honest, yes there are times that Jordan or Tyler get upset. For a while Jacob was having 3 different therapists coming to our house, all with special toys that only Jacob would play with for therapy. Tyler was getting pretty upset. So I reached out to friends for ideas and we came up with the idea to have an extra special bag filled with fun toys that I would give to one of Jacob's therapists (to take home with her) and she brought it just for Tyler each time she came. Sure, it isn't the exact same thing as someone coming and spending time alone with him, but he was happy that he had a special bag of toys each week. When we have fundraisers, I often let Jordan decide how we are going to do them. I always assign her to be the one that talks to people about why we are raising money, so that she can take ownership of the hard work and knowing that the money she earns is to help others. I let her talk about how autism affects her and her baby brother. I really believe in educating Jordan on everything, age appropriately or when needed. We don't just talk about God with her, we explain who Jesus is, what He did for us, the desperate need to share the Gospel message with others, why our sin is so serious, and what people in others countries are dealing with. Likewise, I share with her all about autism. She knows why Jacob sometimes needs more attention and she definitely knows its not because I love him more. Our family is just different. It will always be different. Because Jacob has super high maintenance needs, we can't afford to put Jordan on the competitive soccer team we all wanted so badly, but Jordan is so compassionate she would never expect that over giving Jacob therapy. I feel that this is because we are in constant communication about our family and in constant prayer. God has given her compassion in a way that I have never seen. We also feel strongly about not making our family life revolve around our children. This includes Jacob. Jordan knows that there are things in the world, many things, that are bigger than her. I don't tell her this in a mean way or in a way to break her spirit, but in truth. My kids are so incredibly precious to me, but I also know that its easy for kids to get wrapped up in their own life and for parents to get wrapped up in their children's lives and eventually kids can have that strong sense of entitlement that I had for so long. Cret and I put God as our first priority and our first love. Next, we hold our marriage higher than anything else. I know that our strong marriage will make a huge impact on our family functioning. We always sing and dance and laugh and giggle with all of our kids. The only time things look a little different is during therapy sessions when Jacob gets my full attention. Sometimes I think because this blog is all about Jacob or because I post autism facts on facebook that people may think that our family is all about autism or that all I do or think about is about autism. Well, autism is a big factor in our family...we can't do a lot of things due to Jacob's special needs, but in our day to day life Jacob, Tyler and Jordan all get about the same attention. Like my sister told me one time, if one leg is broken you don't put a cast on both legs. Similarly, as each child has a need or a want for snuggles or attention or schooling, I meet that need. Jacob just tends to have more needs sometimes and I have to adjust our family because of that. It is a very difficult balance, but I pray everyday about keeping my priorities in line. God is my number one, Cret is number two and my kids are more important than anyone else on the planet after that. That's how I try to make this thing work. None of this, of course, can be done without The Holy Spirit leading us and without prayer. Before I gave my life to Christ, my life as a single mom did revolve around Jordan and myself, but I can tell you neither I nor Jordan were happy or satisfied with that life. There were many observations from other family members that Jordan was quickly becoming very self absorbed. One of the many blessings that Jacob has brought into our family is that we have grown to become less self-serving and more others-serving, and even Jordan being only 10 realizes how this has enriched our lives. She sees that this aligns better with the will of God. We are called to know God, love God and serve God and because of what the family has learned just with having Jacob and having to meet the needs of Jacob, it has made it easier for us to serve God. For us, it has been easier to serve God because we are in the mindset of others-serving and not self-serving. This is what I pray for Jordan and Tyler. I can see how this is developing Jordan and allowing her to look through a different lens. Jordan actually seeks out opportunities to help others and to make others happy. I can see her slowly becoming more servant minded and I know that the Holy Spirit is growing her. I really had no idea what to do or how to be a parent until I started learning about how God views family and my role as a wife and mom and honestly I am still learning every day. There are things that I hear my Pastor say sometimes that I am thinking, "DUH, why didn't I or why don't I do that already?" Man I have a long long way to go and I am not getting everything right. I am learning and growing as a parent as I am learning and growing in my relationship with the Lord. But, to go back to the original question... I guess sometimes Jacob does need more of my attention, but I wouldn't have it any other way and neither would my kids. I thank the Lord everyday for my family exactly as it is. Its surely isn't easy, but man does God know what He's doing! Praise the Lord for being so sovereign and just and holy and trustworthy.
Rejoice always, pray without ceasing, give thanks in all circumstances; For this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you. 1Thessalonians 5:16-18
Amazing grace! How sweet the sound
That saved a wretch like me.
I once was lost, but now am found,
Was blind, but now I see.
'Twas grace that taught my heart to fear,
And grace my fears relieved.
How precious did that grace appear
The hour I first believed.
Through many dangers, toils and snares
I have already come;
'Tis grace has brought me safe thus far
And grace will lead me home.
The Lord has promised good to me
His word my hope secures;
He will my shield and portion be,
As long as life endures.
Yea, when this flesh and heart shall fail,
And mortal life shall cease,
I shall possess within the veil,
A life of joy and peace.
When we've been there ten thousand years
Bright shining as the sun,
We've no less days to sing God's praise
Than when we've first begun.